The People You Didn’t Know you Didn’t Know

Here is something no one ever tells you when you are going to have a child: You are going to meet people. Like, a shit ton of people. You are going to meet all sorts of people you never thought you would meet in your lifetime, all because you have a kid. For some, that can be a problem. Not every person is open and outgoing. For others, it can be exciting because now you have an open avenue to possibly meeting new friends for life. And then there are others who just like a casual acquaintance to help pass the time while their child is playing or dancing or swimming or whatnot.

For myself, this was something I had never even considered prior to my daughter being born. By nature, I am a pretty outgoing person. I can chitchat with the best of ’em. Growing up with a mom and three sisters, I am especially comfortable talking to other women. Being a Stay-at-Home Dad, this is perfect because most people I interact with are other moms. Sure, I see Dad from time to time, but consistently when I am out with my kiddo, whether it be the park or dance lessons or a kid’s gymboree class, I generally am there with other moms.

And here is something else they don’t tell you: You will never learn these people’s names. When I was in the military, I knew people by the last name on their name tapes on their uniform. Sometimes I went years before learning their first names. With parents, it is the same thing. “Oh, you must be so-and-so’s Mom?” or “Does this kid belong to you?”. More awkwardly, it is becoming harder to tell who is the parent and who is the Nanny. I live in an area where there are lots of Nannies working. I’ve gone months before actually seeing a kid’s real parent before. With these parents or nannies, I will casually interact with them, make small talk, and then move about my day. The conversations are respectful and sometimes revolve around the mundane taskings of their daily lives. Oftentimes the conversations are about pooping and feeding and wondering how long before a kid is going to actually sit on the toilet themselves. You will talk about very intimate subjects, especially with random moms, who will describe in gory detail the traumatic C-section they endured with their child. By the time they are done, you really don’t want to know their name! Which is fine, because they usually never ask for my name, either.

This is one more aspect of parenthood that no one ever tells you. Women are totally cool with telling anybody the goriest secrets of their childbirth experiences. As my wife explained it to me, once a doctor has literally ripped open your insides, moved around bodily organs, and removed a tiny life out of you, you just don’t give a shit who hears about your experiences. You have been left as exposed and helpless as humanly possible. After that, embarrassment or shame is not even a consideration. So you will share those experiences with anyone, because fuck it, that’s why. So moms will, in casual conversation, explain to me all the details of their 1st, 3rd, and 5th pregnancies and how their husband got fixed but the 6th one still showed up anyway and that it nearly killed you because he was like 12 pounds but the cord was wrapped around his neck and there was just blood everywhere and none of the narcotics helped numb the pain…You see, it just comes out like no big deal. I nod my head whilst the description is going on, hanging on every word like it’s a freaking horror movie that I just can’t look away from. Then, when she is finished, I go…”Well, MY wife…” and it begins all over again. Bonding. Father to mother style. They totally get it and you can feel the sympathy they feel for a woman I am describing that they never even meet. But they’ve been there, so they get it.

Coming from a military background, I have a particular way of speaking. I am gruff, straight forward, and have little to no filter. I spare no feelings and just say what is on my mind. I have no time for tap dancing around people’s feelings. That being said, when meeting new parents, one must tread most carefully. These are people who may end up spending vast amounts of time with your child. So you must take a very deliberate approach to the way you speak to them, the jokes you make around them, and the sarcastic comments you speak up. Not everyone gets my type of humor. Not every casually throws out the F bomb like I do. Not everyone has the same set of expectations as I do of other parents being good parents. Some parents are totally cool with being shitty parents. I tailor my discussions very deliberately to ensure that every interaction is a cordial, respectful one, this way I know my kid is going to be treated with respect. But it is very hard to find other parents who truly are like myself. I have found a few that I feel very comfortable just doing my thing around, and I let them do theirs. Some people are just naturally super nice, super good people who never swear and never curse and never have a bad thing to say about anything. God bless those people. I will be right there with you in conversation and match you praise for praise. But afterwards, man I have to go home and take a bath and get all that ick off. I just can’t be super nice guy all the time. It just doesn’t work for me. I have to immediately get on Facebook, find one of my special little groups, and just unwind myself with an episode of epithets. That is how I center myself after a long day of not being myself!

It all works, though. The people I meet always have a new or unique perspective to life and parenting. Living in California, which is quite liberal and diverse, I come across a wide variety of parents. Black, white, brown, gay, straight, from Pluto, non-sports fans, whatever. Every single one of them has something new to say about being a parent that I can take home with me. Even though I may not know all their names or share many common interests outside of our kids, the short time we spend together is always illuminating and worthwhile. Just because I have to bite my tongue at times and keep myself from shouting out the F word doesn’t mean I don’t get to be who I am around them. It just means I get to be a different version of myself, that is always there but not always at the forefront. One common thing I get from people is when they find out I was a Green Beret in the Army. They’ll say “Oh, you did all that? But you seem like such a calm guy.” Well that’s because Green Beret Aaron wouldn’t be welcome in many children’s establishments. But Dadda Aaron is a different guy, because I need to be for my daughter. And that is who most parents meet. But it makes you wonder, what are all those other parents like once they leave that conversation and go home? Food for thought.

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