Frontline Dad’s 6 Point Plan to Training Your Kids for School

It is that time of year again. The weather is getting cooler, the leaves are changing color, and the cries of children’s laughter have turned into cries of death-defying screams as kids are being pushed out of moving vehicles en route to the schoolhouse. I’m pretty sure I witnessed a 9 year old conduct a perfect PLF as his mom shoved him out the door, without even slowing down for the lady holding up the Stop Sign in the cross-walk. Yes, school season has arrived (unless you live in Arizona or California, where it arrived like a month ago). A time of great celebration for many. For many, that is, except for those of us with toddlers.

My daughter just turned three, so Pre-K is still a little off in the distance for us. But that doesn’t mean she can’t learn anything. And I don’t mean Togetherness, Sharing, and Being a Part of the Community, and that other lame crap those Nick Jr. and Disney Jr. shows like to claim they teach young minds. No, I mean it is time to really bear down and come up with a training plan, er, I mean learning plan, for my daughter to prepare her for the rigors of school life. As a competent parent, I feel like I can accomplish this with very little problem. So, here is what I have come up with.

Reading: For any toddler, learning the alphabet is essential. Don’t want our kids going off to school without being able to spell their own name. So we will be hard at work nailing the alphabet down.

Hey, if the kiddo is going to start throwing out WTF, she better know Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Don’t want her getting caught by the teachers using foul language.

History: I loved history as a child. If I hadn’t joined the military, I wanted to be a history teacher. So, learning about our history is integral to understanding how to move forward in life. As such, we will be watching heavy doses of war movies based on real events in our nation’s history.

How impressed will her teachers be when she can tell them that President Thomas J. Whitmore is the greatest president the US has ever known? I mean, he gave the greatest speech in the history of speeches, ever, and on Independence Day no less.

Science: I was never particularly fond of science as a child. Too much work. Or I just didn’t care what a sedimentary rock was. Spoiler alert: I still don’t. But that doesn’t mean my child shouldn’t grow up loving it. And in order to spawn her growing intrigue into the subject, I have come up with a foolproof solution.

Blowing shit up is awesome. Lesson over.

Math: Like all toddlers, my daughter is a numerical genius. She can count to 100 by skipping all the numbers between 14 and 97. Why I never thought of this, I don’t know, but she figured out the fastest way to get to 100 was to just cut out all the BS. Can’t teach smarts like that. But, she is going to need to know her conversion formulas and wind calls pretty damn good if she wants to spot for her Daddy.

Two plus two equals who gives a f*@k. How many clicks do I need to go up and how far left do I need to hold?

Physical Education: My kid is already pretty darn active. She runs, swims, skates, plays basketball, and judo chops other kids who get in her way. Still, there is always room for improvement.

We have a little bit to work on before we get here, though!

Art: Play-Doh. Duh.

So there we have it. A certified Fresh training plan consisting of Reading, History, Science, Math, P.E., and even Art. This type of plan can assist anyone under the age of 5 prepare themselves mentally and physically for the cut-throat world of Elementary School. Remember, if you are going to Pre-K, Pre-K better and harder than anyone else out there!

DOL

One thought on “Frontline Dad’s 6 Point Plan to Training Your Kids for School

  1. Don’t forget PE. I’m getting my toddler used to being outside. We live in the mountains and take advantage of the local terrain to set up his very own “Nasty Nick” obstacle course. It’s amazing what you can do with fallen trees, boulders, and a slack line.

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