An Ode to the Ultimate DB

For three years now, there has been one constant in my life: the diaper bag (or DB for short). I have spent more time stressing out about the DB than any other facet of my life. Did I forget to put it in the car? Do I have enough diapers? Did I add more baby wipes? Did I put extra juice in there? Why are all the extra clothes still 18M? Why does this smell when I open the zipper? This expired how longer ago? Oh yea, nothing quite like exploring the inner sanctum of the diaper bag after a few months of neglect.

Yup, nevermind the kid. The diaper bag is the most important component of being a parent who is always on the go. It becomes an extension of yourself. For some dads, the bag can sometimes feel cumbersome, an afterthought, or even immasculating. I get that. That’s why I picked out a teal one, so I can rock my San Jose Sharks colors anywhere. But as a stay at home parent I had no choice but to embrace the DB. Everyone at some point has had to deal with a DB, I just went about it with a positive attitude. I never left the house without it. It was like part of my kit when I was deployed. If I got in the turret, I had my blowout bag with me, which contained all the necessities: extra ammo, extra water, extra batteries, and of course baby wipes. So to me, carrying around a diaper bag was never a big deal.

Going to the grocery store to grab one thing? Yup, bag is coming. Heading to the park for some afternoon playtime? Yup, DB is coming. Walking down the street to check the mailbox? Gosh damned right that bag is coming. It did not matter how far or how close, how long or how short of time, if I left to go anywhere with that kid, that bag was coming. Because kids are, by default, proximity mines. They know when you are not prepared for their mishaps, and the minute you separate them from the tools required to keep them in check, is the exact moment they take a giant wet duece that spills out their diaper, drips UP their backs and soaks their hair, all while your kid chews on their favorite pacifier to the point that it no longer quantifies as being able to pacify anything. Yup, all the shit you need to fix this is in the diaper bag, and you left it at home all because you just needed to grab a propane tank for the grill. “I’m only going to be gone five minutes,” you say. “What can go wrong?” you say. EVERYTHING! Take the f*&$&#*@*$&$ bag, moron!

Now, though, the bag is not needed. My daughter is well on her way in potty training, to the point that I don’t need to have an arsenal of diapers in reserve. She eats all the food we eat, so I no longer need to keep 14 different pouches in her bag in case she gets hungry. She poops on a toilet, so I don’t need one of those mats to put under her when I lay her down on some dank Interstate 80 freeway bathroom. Why would I take her to a dank I-80 freeway bathroom, you ask. I have no idea, sometimes you just end up in some weird places when you really want your kid to fall asleep.

So today I emptied out the bag and put it away in the closet. Sure, for the last few weeks I have left the DB at home, substituting a little Paw Patrol backpack that the munchkin gladly and proudly carries around herself. I still have essentials in there, but it really isn’t a given that I’ll have to crack that bag open, not like when she was smaller. But the DB has run its course for this child. It is a little sad, because it signals a new chapter as a parent and for my child. Pretty soon the backpack with an extra pair of clothes and some snacks will soon be used for school books and homework. She will be using the women’s bathroom on her own and won’t need the baby powder and baby wipes to clean up. And when she accidentally leaves it at home, it won’t be the end of the world because she’ll be big enough to fix her own mistakes.

So when the next kid comes around, I’ll pull out the trusty old Diaper Bag, but probably pack it away again and store it with this gremlin’s things. Because as much as it is my bag, it was her bag, too. It would feel weird using it for another tiny mouth breather. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it does to me. So, so long DB. It was a good ride and you were one of the most trusty aides I have ever needed or used before. I will miss you. Farewell friend.

DOL

One thought on “An Ode to the Ultimate DB

  1. Many years into the future, you will be your daughter’s BFF if you keep in your car another type of bag for her…a lady’s bag. Find out her favorite brand and type of tampons or napkins, add some ibuprofen, a bottle of water, chocolate bar, granola bar, and salty snack. A pillow, blanket and some type of heat source (for the cramps) will get you extra points. Track her cycle and have this stuff ready at least four days before the expected monthly event. Most importantly, always treat this time as completely normal and an opportunity to be more supportive and loving. It will save her sanity and your own.

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